I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
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