The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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