I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
