i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
