maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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