Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
