Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
