I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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