to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
We got so high we made milksteak
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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