Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
