I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
