from now on my penis is your penis
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
