I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You left your phone here
Wait...
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