I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
This is the high leading the old right now
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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