Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
