I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
