whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Sober January is a disaster.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
