Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
