I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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