I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
