our cab driver is having phone sex.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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