sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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