how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
