Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
