God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
