I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
