Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
