Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
