my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
