Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
