Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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