I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
