i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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