Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
