everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
