How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
