you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
