hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
