I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Pants are for mortals
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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