Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
