my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
