I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
