upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
