It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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