Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
