i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
