i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
