I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
