You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
