Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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